Why?

My prayers and thoughts go out to those in Newtown, Connecticut that lost loved ones on Friday. 

 

As many of us are doing, I just keep asking, "Why?"  I don't understand.

 

Although there are no answers to that question, I find myself wanting to do something, anything for those who have undergone such a horrible loss.  If you have a few spare dollars this Christmas, you might consider donating them to: 

United Way of Western Connecticut

Newtown Youth and Family Services

Newtown Memorial Fund

There are lots of other places and people who could use a hand too. 

The blahs!

Sorry that I have been more absent than present in my little blog.  Christmas season has already been very difficult for me. 

 

When mom first passed away--for the first two-three weeks--I was amazed at how well I was handling things.  I was calm and decisive; I didn't break down into fits of tears or anything.  I remember driving to work one day and congratulating myself on how well I was handling everything.  As you've probably guessed, that didn't last.  About a month after her death, the whole thing hit me like a ton of bricks.  I bawled at the drop of the proverbial hat! 

 

Well, I did the same thing when it came to Christmas.  I planned ahead for the Christmas season, buying a new tree and some ornaments.  I scheduled a trip to Oklahoma to see my cousin and her family.  I went shopping for everybody I could think of.  Yep, I was doing great--looking forward to it and everything.  Until...one day in Target.  I was browsing the Christmas aisle, looking for something, and I heard the first Christmas carol since last year.  Immediately, I was transported to last year when mom was so ill, and I remembered how she didn't even get to enjoy her very last Christmas because she was so sick.

 

Before I knew what was happening, I was blubbering right there in the aisle of Target.  I quickly shuffled off to a less-crowded aisle and mopped up my tears.  Since then, I have to tell myself, "You will not cry today."  I am more or less successful.  Honestly, sometimes, less than more.  Still, tears do not tell the whole picture.  I find myself saddened into inaction, sitting and doing nothing when I get home from work.  Nothing holds my interest--not television or the Internet, or my old favorite-- books.  I haven't finished a book in weeks.  I just want to sleep. 

 

I know I'm depressed.  I have no trouble recognizing the symptoms.  Unfortunately, I just don't think there's any way around it, at least until Christmas is over.  I miss both my mom and dad so much right now.  There just aren't even any words to express how alone I feel. 

 

So, please understand if I'm absent for a little while.  This blog is cathartic, but I'm sure that reading about sadness is no more fun than actually being sad. 

Cow-tastrophe

What a frustrating weekend! 

It started with my lovely dog-child, Sitka, destroying an antique silver box in which I used to keep my valuable earrings.  She is still very angry at me for putting her in boarding last weekend while the movers were here.  It was such a pretty little box too--from 1901, with a Alpha Tau Omega crest on the lid, and engraved with the name and date of an event.  I assume that it was given as a favor during the event.  It managed to last 111 years until Sitka decided to exercise her grudge against me on the poor little box.

The weekend continued to disintegrate when my long-awaited Verizon FIOS appointment had to be postponed because I don't have an external ground--whatever that is.  So, now, I still don't have Internet access at home and I have to pay to have an external ground installed.  Sigh...

But the worst part of the weekend was yet to come.  I invited a friend over so that she could look through mom's quilting material and take what she wanted.  I've given up on sewing!  While she was there, she offered to help me move the boxes with mom's cow creamers in them.  With the boxes of material gone, there was a perfect spot for putting them.  I started stacking the boxes on a table so that she could move them in place, and then it happened--a cow-tastrophe!  The boxes I had stacked tumbled off the side and crashed, breaking about 90% of the creamers inside.  And boy, did they break!  There were little legs and head and pieces everywhere!  I know it's just stuff, but mom would be kicking my butt for causing her cows get, um, creamed. 

Sometimes... scratch that... Often, since my mom died, I feel as though I'm not living up to her standards.  The house is filled with stuff looking for a place to call home, dog hair is everywhere, and they won't stop peeing in the back hall.  It's been seven months and I just now have stuff out of my house, and the house is still not ready to put on the market.  I realize now that I have to go through absolutely everything before I can even have an estate sale unless I want to cart it to Goodwill myself.  Nothing has really been accomplished with the financial accounts.  I feel as though I've spent way too much money--although not on frivolous things, but things like the plumber (been out four times since January) and on moving.  And now I'm not even being a good steward to the things mom and dad left behind:  I've broken all those cow creamers, Juneau broke an expensive lamp, and I'm selling daddy's books for next to nothing.  I just feel like she be so disappointed with me.  Mom was so good at everything; she made everything look so simple.  In contrast, I feel like it's such a struggle for me.

I miss having mom around to be my cheerleader--to tell me that I'm not a total screw-up, even when i feel like I am.  Maybe I'll just go to Target and buy that cow creamer I saw!

Emotion wears me out

Over the last week I've been very emotional for two reasons: 

Giving away mom's car was harder than I thought it would be.  For some reason, a person's car is, well, so personal.  In my eyes, that car was the perfect embodiment of my mom.  It even still smelled like her!  And so, letting go of it was like watching a piece--a big piece--of her go.

Another reason that I've been more emotional than usual (which is saying something--since I'm pretty emotional all the time!) is that one of my friends and co-workers has been dealing with her mom having a serious, sudden illness.  I won't go into details, but it's just a bad situation all around, and I'm sad for her.

I haven't felt much like doing anything, so work on the house and sorting has ground to a temporary halt.  However, Poquito, Juneau, and Sitka are my constants!  I love them so, and don't know what I'd do without them!

I'm looking forward to feeling better soon.