Sorry that I have been more absent than present in my little blog. Christmas season has already been very difficult for me.
When mom first passed away--for the first two-three weeks--I was amazed at how well I was handling things. I was calm and decisive; I didn't break down into fits of tears or anything. I remember driving to work one day and congratulating myself on how well I was handling everything. As you've probably guessed, that didn't last. About a month after her death, the whole thing hit me like a ton of bricks. I bawled at the drop of the proverbial hat!
Well, I did the same thing when it came to Christmas. I planned ahead for the Christmas season, buying a new tree and some ornaments. I scheduled a trip to Oklahoma to see my cousin and her family. I went shopping for everybody I could think of. Yep, I was doing great--looking forward to it and everything. Until...one day in Target. I was browsing the Christmas aisle, looking for something, and I heard the first Christmas carol since last year. Immediately, I was transported to last year when mom was so ill, and I remembered how she didn't even get to enjoy her very last Christmas because she was so sick.
Before I knew what was happening, I was blubbering right there in the aisle of Target. I quickly shuffled off to a less-crowded aisle and mopped up my tears. Since then, I have to tell myself, "You will not cry today." I am more or less successful. Honestly, sometimes, less than more. Still, tears do not tell the whole picture. I find myself saddened into inaction, sitting and doing nothing when I get home from work. Nothing holds my interest--not television or the Internet, or my old favorite-- books. I haven't finished a book in weeks. I just want to sleep.
I know I'm depressed. I have no trouble recognizing the symptoms. Unfortunately, I just don't think there's any way around it, at least until Christmas is over. I miss both my mom and dad so much right now. There just aren't even any words to express how alone I feel.
So, please understand if I'm absent for a little while. This blog is cathartic, but I'm sure that reading about sadness is no more fun than actually being sad.