Thursday, December 06, 2012

The blahs!

Sorry that I have been more absent than present in my little blog.  Christmas season has already been very difficult for me. 
When mom first passed away--for the first two-three weeks--I was amazed at how well I was handling things.  I was calm and decisive; I didn't break down into fits of tears or anything.  I remember driving to work one day and congratulating myself on how well I was handling everything.  As you've probably guessed, that didn't last.  About a month after her death, the whole thing hit me like a ton of bricks.  I bawled at the drop of the proverbial hat! 
Well, I did the same thing when it came to Christmas.  I planned ahead for the Christmas season, buying a new tree and some ornaments.  I scheduled a trip to Oklahoma to see my cousin and her family.  I went shopping for everybody I could think of.  Yep, I was doing great--looking forward to it and everything. day in Target.  I was browsing the Christmas aisle, looking for something, and I heard the first Christmas carol since last year.  Immediately, I was transported to last year when mom was so ill, and I remembered how she didn't even get to enjoy her very last Christmas because she was so sick.
Before I knew what was happening, I was blubbering right there in the aisle of Target.  I quickly shuffled off to a less-crowded aisle and mopped up my tears.  Since then, I have to tell myself, "You will not cry today."  I am more or less successful.  Honestly, sometimes, less than more.  Still, tears do not tell the whole picture.  I find myself saddened into inaction, sitting and doing nothing when I get home from work.  Nothing holds my interest--not television or the Internet, or my old favorite-- books.  I haven't finished a book in weeks.  I just want to sleep. 
I know I'm depressed.  I have no trouble recognizing the symptoms.  Unfortunately, I just don't think there's any way around it, at least until Christmas is over.  I miss both my mom and dad so much right now.  There just aren't even any words to express how alone I feel. 
So, please understand if I'm absent for a little while.  This blog is cathartic, but I'm sure that reading about sadness is no more fun than actually being sad.